Me at almost my starting weight. I'd lost about 10 pounds when I took these on January 11, 2016.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifxDOPBTivo8twSElQJRj7vUUSKNp27ViZrYfj3nCASnRp-AzUYbWzXkOKtDOa9gsl_kQs-ouO4jSGh8VjUsiIqc2Ibv-YMqYQDQ3Wi8G_d8bfnG5IT3Kq_ytWLD8V7U-lWloii4_pJWU/s1600/011116me3.jpg

I'm going to fast until tomorrow, but tomorrow I'm working at my very physical job so I have to eat to have energy. I'll just log everything I eat. So another 18 hours before I get up for work tomorrow.

Haven't eaten a single bite today. I almost stuffed a piece of warm biscuit in my mouth, but stopped myself at the last second. I only feel thin when I'm hungry.

Starting over

The title says it all. Here I am starting over. I have a new life in a new state. It's time for a new body.

Weigh-ins

Start: 206
Week 1:


Total loss since I began in December 2015:

And a recap of my goals:
First GW: 199
Second GW: 188.4 (no longer obese)
Third GW: 156.8 (24.9 BMI - no longer overweight)
UGW: 135

Weigh-in

So I haven't updated here for a while. I got sick on Wednesday and took Thursday off (didn't even get on my computer all day), and then the weekend happened. Oh well. My weight today was 195, down 3 pounds from last week. Looking over my weigh-ins, that's a new low. My previous low was 196.2.

I'm surprised. I haven't been watching what I eat and figured I'd be over 200 again with everything I've eaten. Instead, I get a new low.  :) I'm feeling better after being sick last week so I'm going to do this.

The overnight girl is sick. She doesn't have what I had. Mine was a mild cold. She has a fever and I didn't so she has something else - something I would rather not catch. Anyway, Brad will work 11 pm to 11 am, then I will come in at 11 am tomorrow and work until 11 pm. 12 hour shift. Yay. NOT. Oh well. I always need the money.

Weigh-in

My weight Sunday was 198. I am hoping it is just water weight from all the bloody marys (tomato juice is high in salt), but I have been eating and eating and eating. Today I was over 200 and that's from four days of eating everything in sight. I'm doing the "alcorexia" thing today - drinking lots but not eating anything.

My half marathon on Sunday went well. I walked it because I'm fat and came in at 3:32:30. We had an exciting weekend. Saturday after church we were driving to the expo and were in the fast lane on the freeway when Brad's tire shredded. With the amount of traffic it was a minor miracle that we got over to the side of the road without being hit. He called for help and his insurance company sent out someone to put on the spare tire, but it was just a donut tire and not a regular one.

We used to donut tire to get to a Goodyear shop and buy a new tire. They said it would take 90 minutes, but I explained that we needed to get to San Jose before 5 pm (when the expo closed) and the 90 minutes became 30.  :)  Soon we were on our way again. I loved the expo and spent way too much money. I got my runner packet and bought a water bottle belt. At it's largest setting I could barely get it on. Damn, I'm fat.

The run went well, but it was really hot. I loved the volunteers misting with hoses at the water stops. At one point they handed out sponges soaked in ice water, and at the end there were small towels soaked in ice water. I mostly kept cool by pouring cups of water over my head at the water stops.

Oh...the inversion table I ordered came today. I told Brad to put it together for me so I can try it tonight when I get home from work.

He're to a better week ahead with my body eating itself for fuel...

Ate

Yesterday I ended up at about 1200 calories. I was starving so I had two cups of plain Greek yogurt with my wine. Could have been much worse.

I was too hungry today and I felt a binge coming on so I went to Subway and got a footlong roast beef sandwich. I know that will make me show a gain tomorrow if only from water weight. But it could have been much worse and instead I pigged out on something healthy, so that's a win.  :)

Left my phone at work last night. Ug. Got home and used Brad's phone and told the overnight girl to put it in my box. So I couldn't listen to anything on my way to work today, or update the Bible program with what I read today.

The first Teeter hangup I bought on e-Bay never came. I finally got a refund, and used that to buy a different brand inversion table. I'm hopeful it will help my back pain, since the new chiropractor is not going to work out if she can't crack my back. Need a new chiro.  :-p

I am craving tomato juice. WTH?!? I have two Bloody Mary's today and they were so yummy with just the right amount of spice. And now I want regular tomato juice. I'm weird. My cravings are weird.

Mid-week check-in

So hungry today. And I'm so tired. I got to bed at my usual time, but had to get up early for Bible study and mid-week communion. Today is day 4 of my protein shake "diet." The hunger is getting to me, but I must not eat or I'll gain weight. I am desperate to get to my second weight goal: 188.4, when I will no longer be "obese," but merely "overweight." I also want to lose enough that when I see my family for Thanksgiving, they notice. I hate being the only fat one in the family.

I'm currently getting a little under 1000 calories a day, with one protein shake (160 calories) for lunch, one for dinner, then a bottle of wine when I get home from work.

I might eat Friday, but keep it healthy like plain Greek yogurt. I'll be eating all weekend. Saturday is my normal cheat day, then Sunday is the half marathon in San Jose. 8 a.m. start time. Ug. I see myself getting up at 5 a.m. to get ready and then the long drive there. This is a half marathon I haven't done before so I'm excited. Also a little scared. I'll have to walk fast to finish in the time provided (4 hours). Better than the San Francisco halves, with a 3 and 3 1/2 hour time limit for each of their halves.

Weigh-in and weekend update

Ate too much last week and didn't stick to my liquid diet like I planned. My weigh-in today: 196.2, exactly the same as last week. Ug. However, given how much I ate, I'm just glad I didn't gain.

Went to Old Navy yesterday. The only jeans shorts they have are on the clearance rack because it's now fall, so I spent quite a bit of time hunting around for a pair of 14 shorts (to fit me now), and a pair of 12's as my next goal. I finally found two pairs and bought them and took them home - and the 14s are skin tight. WTF?!?!? I have size 14 jeans from the same store and they fit fine, as do my size 14 jean shorts that I bought previously. Looks like I will have to lose a bit more for them to fit. I have to wonder if they have the wrong tag in them because they are just as tight as the 12's. Grrrr...

Alcorexia...again

I know I'm sick. You know why? The majority of my calories come from alcohol and I don't even care. I might do nothing but drink wine all day and I'm good with that as long as my calories are within my "losing" limit. I no longer care where my calories come from, as long as I lose weight.

I ate yesterday. I had to work 12 hours. Little sleep + overtime = bored and hungry. So I ate.

I'm back on the wagon today and eating nothing and just drinking (mostly alcohol). Not going to eat solid food until church on Saturday. Must. Lose. This. Weight. Next goal - size 12 jeans. I will get there!

Thinspo sayings

Click the pics to view the full sizes.

Onederland!

Weighed in at 196.2 this morning! That officially puts me in Onederland! Woot! Woot! I was 202 last week so that's a loss of 5.8 pounds this past week!

Had to have dinner with sis and brother on Friday. I told them I was on a strict diet and just drank my protein shake. April was worried about me and gave me a bite of salad. She also put a tomato and cheese appetizer on my plate. I cut a bit off with my knife and ate one bite.

However, my calories were pretty high because I had wine before and after the dinner, and while there I had two gin and tonics. At least it was diet tonic. Oh, and I had one margarita, and that was regular, full sugar.  :-p

On Thursday I noticed my size 16 jeans were getting loose. They wouldn't stay on my waist and kept falling down to my hips and I had to keep hiking them back up. Friday I tried on a pair of 14s and they fit! {happy dance}

Saturday is my eating day and I ate too much, but I am back on the wagon today and back to my liquid diet. I kind of miss the Master Cleanse lemonade. I might buy more lemons and make some more. Drinking one 32 oz. bottle a day seems to help keep my blood sugar up, and it didn't taste half bad.

Liquid fast continues

So yeah, like I said, I ate too much Monday night. I'm counting this liquid fast from 1 am Tuesday morning. Been drinking 32 oz. of Master Cleanse lemonade and 1 protein shake. The lemonade will be gone after today; then maybe I can switch to 2-3 protein shakes a day. Plus alcohol of course. I could lose so much faster if I didn't drink!

My sister is in town this week and wants to see my Friday. I'm not sure if I will eat with her tomorrow or just say I'm on a strict diet and drink a protein shake while they all eat.

63 hour liquid fast so far. I feel so much better getting some nutrition from the lemonade and protein shake.

"Alcorexia"

So I'm going to get about 1500 calories today, with about 950 of that coming from alcohol. Damn, I suck. I could restrict and lose no problem except for the damn alcohol.

My sister is in town. She wanted to see me today, but it didn't work out. So now I have to see her Friday.

My weight this morning was 198.2. I know it's just water weight, but I love seeing a number below 200. Maybe next week on my official weigh-in day (Sunday), I'll break the barrier.

Oh...for anyone who cares, here's the scale I use:
http://www.amazon.com/Tanita-BF679W-Scale-Monitor-Water/dp/B0009V1YPK/

Chicken Pot Pies

Ate way too much yesterday, and once I started, it was hard to stop, ending with a high calorie Marie Calendar's chicken pot pie before bed.  :-p

I'm back on the wagon today. I'm going to liquid fast until at least Friday. All I will have is the Master Cleanse lemonade with the plain protein powder mixed in, a protein shake, and my wine (of course). It'll be close to 1200 calories per day, but that just means I should be able to do it with no problem. Going to get this weight off!

Click the picture to enlarge.

Pretty much what I'm "eating" today. I'll have another diet soda or two. The "1500 calories" number at the top is what I'm supposed to eat to lose weight.

Weekend update

Ate a lot the last two days. I always eat so much on my days off. I even ate popcorn at the movies and I wasn't even hungry! And it was a big bag, too! I asked for a "little" butter on it and they poured it on.  :-p

Sunday is my official weigh-in day. Weighed in at 202 even. That's not bad considering how much I've eaten the last two days. It used to be a binge like that would have me over 210 the next day. I'm now so close to Onederland!

Liquid fasting today with the Master Cleanse lemonade with plain protein powder added. Juiced the rest of the lemons and made four more servings for this week. Now I'm out of lemons and still have a lot of maple syrup left. Not sure what to do with it.

On Friday I went to Costco and bought protein shakes - a healthier way to liquid fast than the lemonade since it's low in sugar and high in protein.

Binge

Ok, haven't updated here in a few days.

I ate mostly healthy on Monday. By the time I decided to binge it was too late to do any serious damage. Tuesday I binged, and today (Wednesday) I was up to 204.8 on the scale.  :-p

Back to a liquid diet today and tomorrow.

Hoping to go to Costco on Friday and get egg whites and salad. Depends on what they have.

I'm going to lose this weight.

7 days liquid fasting complete!

Somehow made it through Friday and Saturday without eating until the wee hours of Sunday morning when my 7 days of liquid fasting was up. I was feeling like shit and really needed to eat, so I broke my fast about 1 a.m. this morning and had pot stickers and lasagna left over from Saturday's potluck.

And yet, even after eating last night, I still came in under 200 this morning at 199 even.  :) I'm so stoked about that. Starving really works. Makes me want to fast more and encourages me to not binge.

I'm eating today - healthy stuff. Let's see if I can hold that weight after a whole day of eating instead of just one meal.

Some inspiration

These are sayings I've found useful. None of this is mine, but mined from other websites:

Don't eat. If you want to see food look in the mirror at your thighs.

The difference between want and need is self-control.

Hunger pangs are fat leaving the body.

This is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more than anything, even food.

Empty is pure.

Giving in to food shows weakness. Be strong.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

You can learn to love anything I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contacts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I'm lightheaded, or have a hunger headache or better yet, all of the above, it means I'm getting thinner, and it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control.

You will be FAT if you eat today. Put it off just one more day.

Don't give up what you want most for what you want in the moment.

Hunger is your friend and won't betray you like food.

Beauty Queen? or Dairy Queen?

Starving is an example of excellent willpower.

If you close your mouth to food, you can know a sweeter taste.

The word is control. That's my ultimate - to have control.

If you eat, you'll look like those disgusting, fat, ghetto, and trailer trash hookers on Jerry Springer. (This is so true of me since I do look like one of them now!)

Starve off the parts you don't need.

Food is my ultimate enemy. I may look, and I may smell, but I may not touch!

I shall not be tempted by the enemy (food), and I shall not give into  temptation should it arise. Should I be in a weakened state and I should cave, I will feel guilty and punish myself accordingly, for I have failed her.

I will be thin, at all costs. It is the most important thing; nothing else matters.

------

The following are by me:

I'm so tired of being chained to my stomach.! Is it boss or am I?!? The best stomach is an EMPTY stomach, subject to my desire for it to be empty, not its desire to be full. STAY PURE, STAY EMPTY. I shall remain EMPTY until I choose to eat, and I choose not to eat.

My stomach does not need food. It simply wants the feeling of being full. It does not need to be full. I'm tired of being a slave to it and for once it will be a slave to ME!

Letters

Dear auto fix-it place next door,

It is summer. That means the windows are open here 24/7 because we don't have air conditioning. I work evenings so I don't need to hear you blasting Michael Jackson from your ghetto car at 9 a.m.

Dear HOA,

Can we please stop having fire drills at 10 a.m., for the same reasons listed above? I need some sleep!

Thank you.

Signed,
Tired in California

Four days down

In about 5 more hours it will be 4 days on this liquid diet.  I took communion at church today, but I'm not going to count a little wafer and a sip of sweet wine (I drink wine anyway).

In the morning it seems like fasting is a breeze. All I want when I get up is coffee. When I'm running around doing errands or walking I'm fine. But when I get to work in the afternoon the hungries get 10x worse and it takes all my willpower not to eat.

Need more of the Master Cleanse lemonade. I'm going to use limes this time, so I'll be up late hand juicing them all and mixing the lemonade. I add plain protein powder to it to protect my muscle mass.

Liquid fast, day 3

I only lose weight when I liquid fast. Today is day 3. No eating for this girl. I'm over 200 pounds. Let my body eat itself to survive. My tummy is grumbling something fierce. I don't care. It's not getting any food. This weight WILL come off.

Here's yesterday's stats. The 957 figure includes both the lemonade and the wine I drank. Click the photo for the full size.

Bodymedia armband

I adjusted the preferences on my BodyMedia armband this morning. I changed "get active" to "weight loss." My AD is slowing my metabolism so I reset my 3000 calorie a day goal (which I used to hit most of the time) to 2500 (I hate you Zoloft!!!).  I selected that I want to lose 2 pounds a week so that means a 1000 calorie deficit every day, so that means no more than 1500 calories a day MAX.

My lemonade drink and alcohol provide about 81g of carbs and 24g of protein (from the whey protein I add to the lemonade). Going to do this as long as I can. The drink plus alcohol is putting me in a hair under 1000 calories a day.

Tips and Tricks

Things to do when you're hungry:

a.      Drink a glass of water quickly (will make you gag a little). Makes you slightly nauseous and decrease your desire for solid food.
b.       Drink a diet soda instead; tell yourself it’s a meal.
c.      Take your clothes off and look at your body in the mirror. Pinch bits of fat and think about what you ate that did that: here is the bowl of pasta, there’s that slice of pizza, the bag of chips, those peanut butter cookies, etc. Ask yourself if it was really worth it.
d.      If you’re wearing jeans, put on shorts and sit with your thighs pushed down against the surface of a chair/bed/etc. Think about how disgusting they are; like flat fat fucking pancakes oozing with fatty syrup and whipped cream.
e.      Tell yourself that your body is confused. It isn’t hungry, it’s tired. Take a nap.
f.       Clean something.
g.      Brush your teeth.
h.       Paint your nails
i.        Put on lipstick or gloss
j.       Turn on your computer/open a magazine and look at thinspo.
k.      Look at the clock. Tell yourself that you have 25 minutes. After 25 minutes drink a big glass of water. Weigh yourself. Look in the mirror. Look at your thighs. Still hungry?

-Always have a diet soda, bottled water, tea, chewing gum (5 cal/piece), or coffee with you when you are away from the house in case you get hungry or feel faint due to low blood sugar.

-When your hungry or feeling hunger pains, boil water with one or two bullion cubes. The warm water will help your stomach feel better and the bullion helps restore the decreased sodium intake in your body. (Bullion only contains 10-15 calories per cube)

40 reasons not to eat:

http://proanabyglynn.blogspot.com/2013/01/40-reasons-not-to-eat.html

Flushing the flush

I gave up on the salt water flush. If I used only a fraction of the salt it calls for I could barely get it all down, and that amount of salt had no effect.

Somehow I managed to regain all the weight I lost from just two days of eating, and I wasn't even bingeing or anything. Back to a liquid diet today, with one bottle of the Master Cleanse lemonade and some wine and that's it.

I bought healthy food at the grocery store this past weekend. I'll eat that a little later in the week. I bought veggies and nonfat plain Greek yogurt.

I last ate about midnight last night, give or take. Let's see how long I can last this time.  :)

Master Cleanse

I tried the salt water flush this morning. After one sip I knew I would throw up if I drank anymore. Ick! My roommate suggested cutting back on the salt until I could drink it and not throw up. So I'll give that a shot tomorrow. The recipe calls for two heaping teaspoons. Maybe if I try 1/4 teaspoon level I could get it down.

I had some food I needed to eat before it went bad, so that's what I ate today. I will then start the Master Cleanse tomorrow. The lemonade looks milky with the whey protein added, but that will keep me from losing muscle mass. The taste is okay. Opened the cayenne capsules and put the pepper directly in the drink and it actually improves the taste, but it burns my throat going down.

8 Tips When You're Weak

When you’re feeling weak…

1. Pinch your thigh and see how you don’t need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate food.

2. Go on the internet. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned literature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you’ll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.

3. Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your taste buds.

4. If you’re even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you’ll convince yourself not to eat whatever it is you’re craving in that time.

5. The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.

6. If you’re feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you’re occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. ex.) exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.

7. Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you. Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.

8. Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.

Ana 10 Commandments

1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never EVER be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

No longer a slave to my stomach

I love having control over my stomach. I love when it screams at my brain to eat, and I don't. I love how it doesn't rule me anymore, how I'm no longer its slave, always looking for my next food fix. I'm not my stomach's bitch anymore; it's my bitch!

The Ana University "class" I'm taking on fasting says I have to fast three days over the next week. Not sure which 3 days that should be. I have food that needs to be eaten before it goes bad, but I love starving.  :-p

I'm also taking Hiding and Calorie Burning.

Today is day 2 of liquid fasting to punish myself for having to eat on Saturday. Damn hypoglycemia. Maybe I'll eat tonight when I get home from work since that would be 48 hours and then maybe eat tomorrow and fast Wednesday?

All this fasting I've been doing is dropping my metabolism so I need to eat to get it back up.

4 1/2 days

I made it 4 1/2 days. I finally gave in yesterday (I could tell my blood sugar was low) and ate and ate and ate. Gained 5 lbs. of water weight and came in at 204 today, which I'm okay with. That's still 6 pounds lower than when I started. I'm 200 lbs. I don't need food. I must stop eating and keep my stomach empty. Restarting liquid fasting today.

Only calories from wine

So...it's officially been 3 days of my only calories coming from wine and no food. Woot! Go me. I've lost a lot of water weight and I'm afraid to eat, but I am soooo hungry!

I got all excited today when Brad said that my order from Amazon arrived. As soon as I picked up the box I knew it was too light to be the lemonade diet kit. Sure enough. I opened the box and it was just the hand juicer I ordered. So I'm still waiting on the "kit" I ordered with the maple syrup, cayenne, sea salt, and tea.

Hmmm....just checked Amazon. My kit is in Illinois. No tracking info available on the water bottle. I went to Walmart today and bought a gallon jug for the lemonade (two days' worth), plus another 32 oz. water bottle, since I need to drink two per day. I'll buy lemons tomorrow.

Getting better

My stomach seems to be settling down and getting used to being empty. I'm not as desperate for food today.

I've had some little victories. I went to McDonald's (again) and only got a diet sweet tea. I had a lady downstairs at work try to foist homemade cake on me, but I declined. Then a guy upstairs had a birthday with both chocolate and red velvet cake. I had none.

I'm going to do this fast (just drinking some wine to wind down after work) for as long as I can. It will force my body to burn fat. So far 66 hours since I last ate food, and that was just 8 thin slices of lunchmeat (120 calories).

Almost halfway

Midnight will be 50 hours and halfway to my goal. I *must* stay strong.

Came across this today on a forum:

YOUR STOMACH ISN'T GROWLING, IT'S APPLAUDING!

Mine's been growling all day, but it's just applauding my control.  :)

And also this:

"There's a hidden sweetness in the stomach's emptiness" - Rumi

And some pro-ana quotes from the net.

You don't NEED food! 
You will be fat if you eat today. Put it off just one more day.
Can't is a word used when you don't want to.
Hunger is your friend and it won't betray you like food.
God gave us control. Some of us know how to use it, others don't... 
DON'T eat, do you want to stay FAT?!?
Eating is for the weak. Starve for self-control; self-control makes you strong.
Starving is not pain, it's the cure.
Starving is an example of excellent will power.

Empty

Stomach is still empty. I went to mid-week mass at the Anglican church and ate the wafer and had a sip of wine. I'm not going to count one tiny wafer. Then I stopped at McDonald's and got a diet sweet tea. Yummy!

The hunger pangs are starting to get to me and it's only been around 40 hours so far. I must do better and not give in to my stomach. It's not master of me; I'm master of it and I WILL NOT EAT.

For breakfast this morning I just had black coffee and I got plenty of exercise: walked 1/2 mile to the train, 1/2 mile from the train to church, and then 1/2 mile back to the train. Then 1.5 miles from the train to work.

I'm down 6 lbs! I know it's just water weight, but I'll take it.

Fat Girl Starving

Hello. I'm Fat Girl. I will do anything to lose weight. I'm currently fasting, only allowing myself alcoholic drinks. I just ordered the Master Cleanse lemonade diet. That should be here in about a week. I think I may tweak it and add some plain protein powder to the lemonade because protein is essential. Later this week I will go out and buy organic lemons. In the meantime, I am on a 100 hour fast. I am allowed to drink alcoholic drinks and low-caloric drinks like Diet Coke and Crystal Light.

Today is Tuesday. I last ate a small amount of lunchmeat Monday night. 100 hours from then would be Saturday morning at 4 a.m. So I can't eat until then. Fuck my body. It needs to be beaten into submission and not eating will force it to burn fat.

My stomach is empty and I do so enjoy that feeling!